I’m sitting down to breakfast as I write this. Doing so at the table that Danielle and I bought after we got engaged. Facebook let me know this morning that we bought this table seven years ago today. They did that by bringing up a post from Danielle where she nervously exclaimed that she’d just bought the table with me and how big of a commitment that was. In the background the DDF(S) playlist—probably should just rename that to DDS—is “blaring” out the songs that remind me of her.
You’ll notice Danielle has not been tagged into this post. This was done to keep her from being dragged into something that might be too emotional at this time. Please don’t bring it to her attention as it is public so that she can see it if she wants to. That’s not to say that my posts are hidden from her, just that her Facebook friends are curated by her and she may decide to remove me one day.
In front of me, while sitting at the “commitment table”, are the couch, recliner, and patio table we bought together as well. There’s also the TV, grill, and computer she so thoughtfully gifted me. The Jason Isbell Southeastern part of the playlist has started now and it makes me nostalgic and evokes quite a few emotions. This is something I “stole” from her. As we were starting to have real visible troubles this was a go to for her to just experience feelings. I say stole up there because it is a beautiful record, by a man with a similar vocal range to mine, that has imagery that spoke to my view of our relationship. Danielle says that there’s music I listen to just because she did. That’s not entirely wrong. Her stamp of approval on music is something to value as she has quite an ear for good music.
Songs That She Sang in the Shower just started and it has become a somewhat bleak theme song for my grey days. There’s a lot of hoarseness that can be blamed on belting out this album, and specifically this song, at the top of my lungs while on the road in what was once our car. The car we bought together and she negotiated for. Much to her chagrin I would frequently take a backseat to her superior leading abilities in almost all things. There is a confidence to Danielle that can hide her fear and uncertainty.
Why write all this though Andrew? Well there’s a lot I’ve done in the last eleven years that doesn’t make me particularly proud. There’s things I’ve done involving Danielle that I won’t discuss here, but have started to take ownership of and apologize to her for. Then there is the way I retreated from, and in some cases may have antagonized, the other relationships in my life. If you’re reading this far, likely there’s something I feel ashamed about involving you. Also quite likely you may end up getting a letter from me in the near future. The act of writing a letter by hand has been quite soothing and cathartic. More will likely be written in the months to come.
The biggest reason to write this post is to try and be more vulnerable and authentic. Much of the shame I feel comes from internalized anger towards and hatred of myself. Some of it from an ingrained toxic masculinity despite never having felt particularly masculine—in stark contrast to my heavily bearded and large appearance. Feeling comfortable showing my feelings and expressing genuine appreciation for the people I love has always felt like weakness. Now in part that might be due to the toxic masculinity. There’s probably not a lot of familial influence there, but it permeates our society to such a degree that it can be difficult to avoid and overcome it. I know now that this kind of vulnerability invokes a strength that few seem to understand.
The first song on my DDS playlist is Miike Snow’s Genghis Khan and it’s another favorite I “stole” from Danielle. The music video is something Danielle showed me one day because she thought it was just the cutest thing ever—the best people in my life have agreed. There’s a point in the video where the protagonist and antagonist start dancing together and every single time I watch it I get chills. It’s just so pure and good. It speaks to a truth about me that I believe is the focal point of my anger and hatred.
That truth, this thing that is the target of my anger and hatred while simultaneously being the font of my love and caring, is that I am a pan-/demisexual. Now maybe you’re not familiar with these identity labels. Well pansexuality describes someone that is sexually attracted to all genders; at least that’s my interpretation of it. Demisexuals feel sexual attraction towards people they’ve developed an emotional bond with. Some of you may have seen a variation of those last few sentences from me recently. You’ve been largely supportive of me and I greatly appreciate that.
Something you may not have heard from me is my inclination towards polyamory and non-monogamy. It’s a label I’m using to start the discussion just like the labels for my sexuality and none of them really convey the entirety of my thoughts and feelings on the subjects. With polyamory, I use to it label the way that I love people. Love that I feel doesn’t have a quantitative or qualitative difference from one person to the next. The only defining factors of my different relationships are the boundaries and the nature of the unique creature that our specific love has created. A manifestation if you will of the two of us as one; something akin to the Fusions on Steven Universe.
As we leave the Summer, I find myself leaving a deep dark depression the likes of which I’ve never known. It’s been a frightening, harrowing, and lonely experience. If you spent time with me over the last few months I may not have had the words to fully express my gratitude. Some of you have been afraid for me. I’d like to say that was unfounded, but it was a dark time. The best thing that came out of this is acquiring a therapist to help me with my mental health going forward. A day likely won’t come when there is not a therapist in my life. The greatest thing I’ve learned from this situation is that I should have had a therapist long ago. My deepest sympathies and apologies to anyone in my life that became my defacto therapist in the past. If you went into it willing you are a good person, beyond what you might think about yourself, and have my eternal gratitude.
The last few months I’ve been sending out positive and encouraging messages to people at random times. My hope is that they brightened your days or lightened your moods. Some of you have responded saying things to that effect. These will likely continue as I feel the need to send them. I encourage everyone to send a bit of positivity to the people in their lives. It can be amazing the responses you’ll get and how much of an impact a simple sentence can have on another human. Show love to the people you’ve been taught are beneath you. Express your love and gratitude to the people in your life that bring you joy and pleasure.
So sitting here at my “commitment table,” I commit to you to be a better person. To strive everyday to spread love and caring for my fellow humans. If you feel I haven’t done that for you now or in the future call me out on it. Give me an opportunity to apologize to you and make it right. There are people, like Danielle, that may no longer be in my life right now, but they still have my love and support. If there’s something I can do to help them through a hardship I will do it.
This is an open invitation to reach out to me about your struggles or triumphs as well. Or maybe you’d just like me to check-in with you on occasion. Whatever it is let me know so you don’t have to go through it alone. Ideally go see a licensed counselor as well, but if you can’t afford that right now I’m more than willing to help; sometimes you just need a friend.
Finally, Danielle I apologize for referring to you so much in this—all because of a table. Much of my life has been spent with you and it frames my thoughts. Future posts like this will focus more on myself and how I deal with life.